Something uncertain

 Well, I had mentioned in the previous topic, Phillip and I developed into sex-partner relationship.

I behaved as friend daily, and turned to be wild at night. As behaved as a friend, I did not involve much in his life, his decisions, or comments much about his stuff, as I know that we are friend, so I always bear in mind how a friend suppose to behaves. 

Everyday, he concerns about my needs, my feelings, my situation from time to time. I get confused as I am not sure if this is how he concern his friends. He would hold my hands when we talking, give me a kiss on my forehead, cooked and wait for me to come back from work, and also will lay on my laps to relax, everything just sweet. I did not know what he means, and I worry I interpret wrongly, maybe he just treated me this way due to single for too many years, but didn't meant to commit into relationship, and when time comes, I have to go back to Seremban as planned, by time, we might just nothing to each other but just friends. 

I tried not to react much to his actions, and kept reminding myself, I shall not involve any feelings. But he was so caring, which I never experienced in all my relationship previously, even the ex husband also never as caring as he did. 

He never said he likes me or telling me anything that he wants me to be his girlfriend or etc, so I try to hold back my feelings, it did hurt sometimes as confusing me, but I managed to control my emotions and also feelings. 

He continues to treated me so well, and I couldn't hold anymore, and asked him if he likes me, but I didn't get any feedback, he just kept quiet and refuse to talks. Well, I said to him, if you didn't like me is okay, just tell me, I know what to do. He told me, he didn't said so. 😐😐So, what its means? I didn't know, and do not want to asked further, which make me sound desperate. 

 

End of Career and start a new life in other state

 I had ended my career from J&T Express (PEN) region back in Apr 2021. 

And I had moved to Seremban, Negeri Sembilan to find JJ Lim as she wanted to start her pub business over there and asked me to corporate with her in the business.

Things doesn't turned out as planned. The pub business forced to on hold due to the increase of cases of covid-19, and due to the serious of the pandemic, government announced of locking down for some of the businesses. 

At time, I keep in touch with Phillip, and he was aware of my situation, and helped in looking for job opportunities for helping me to survive through the pandemic. 

I was in Seremban, and he is in KL. He has few job opportunities for me, but in KL. I felt like, if I choose to be in KL, then I have to include the rental in my fix expenses, which is really not worthy as income would be quite low as a part timer. I am choose to work as part time, meanwhile waiting for the pub to operate the business as normal. He told me need not to worry about the place of staying, his office is empty and able to provide me a place if I don't mind. Well, when I heard this, I think this could be a great deal, as a friend, I can return him with treat of meals when I get my salary. So I accept his offer lastly and packed my stuff and go to KL in just few days time of consideration. 

The job he looked for me was a cashier, to me its not a difficult job to handle, but over-qualify, so I just accept it and go for it as a temporary job to get minimum income. 

I expected the whole space is occupied by me alone, didn't expect that he would be staying with me, as I thought he will only comes once a while to do his job and he will be staying other place or house. 

First day arrived in KL, his office. He was staying over together, in a same room, I feel awkward, inconvenience and a little of worries, because I could not being myself over the time, and he is a male, I admitted I have a little of feelings towards him, and I never staying over with any guys in a room, except looking for sex, I worried that our friendship would affected over the time. Well, first night, I really not able to slept well, insomnia seriously. I were awake trying to make myself to sleep until mid night, or around morning 4am or maybe 5am, he awake and knowing I could not sleep, and he could not continue to sleep back. 

He asked me if he could sleep beside me, on the sofa bed that I was on. I said, this is your sofa bed, you can just sleep beside (wishing that he is really just sleep beside as two individuals without any chemicals reactions), but I was wrong. He hugged me from behind. I was a little bit shocked and stunned, didn't dare to make any move, I knew where it might goes as flow, I tried to be relax, and he touched me softly, as I could not hold further anymore and started to give him reactions, and thinking I shall just go with the flow, both of us are adults, and it wasn't wrong if we developed into sex-partner as long as always bear in minds, game is game, and always remember the rules, and act as an adult. 

Due to my current status, separate with spouse (divorce situation) but still not officially divorced, so I try to not putting much of feelings and commit too fast, I didn't know his thoughts as well, maybe he just need a sex partner as I do, and both of us are fulfill each other needs, so, why not? 

We are sex-partner and friends as the same time, this was the best at time for both of us. 

My new life and new chapter in KL. 

事事不顺啊！！

喘不过气来了~~

明天就是考试了，
可是我现在的心情很糟糕。
读书读不进了，老实说我其实没什么读到。

我不懂怎么形容我的心情。就觉得非常糟糕。
感觉什么都做不好，好想逃离这个现实世界。尤其是读书生涯。
对，反正读完了，可是我还有论文。
论文最头痛。
首先论文一年里分两三个部分进行的，第一步我过了，现在卡在第二步。
第二步就是：交ERB，也就是一些碎事，怪我没看清楚跟掉以轻心。
我最后一刻才弄，然后才发现原来我必须email一些人然后得到他们的允许，再把那封email一起交上去才算完成，然后等消息而已。
可是，首先我的老师没有答复我，然后搞到我只好自己来，临时email那个人，本来打算拜一交的东西变成不能拜一交了，必须延迟。那么如果延迟的话呢，我就担心我后期的东西不能在固定的时间里搞定。
再来就是，当我延迟的时候，我分分钟必须时常过来KL交东西跟安排些事情，那么就是多花费了。跟很多东西都很乱的。
我很不喜欢这个感觉。

我知道现在该做的是读书嘛，明天考试了。可是，我喘不过气，不能发泄。
真的很烦~~~

new products that i addicted to recently

1st of all, i just want to say that, my weight is getting heavy =.= i tried many ways to figure out what can i do to decrease the number of my weight on the measure machine. but there was no changing for so long and it keeps increasing =.=

now, i saw some articles about these products.
Chia seeds, a seed high in fiber and omega 3, it can also make u feel full and prevent over eating, so i bought it :P
Lecithin, its burn the fat into very small molecules and allow them to get out from body.. and i bought it too
(these two can pour in anything, really tasted good ^.^, and chia seed due to no taste, so it can absorb anythng that it is in, so be careful on what u going to pour in ya :P)

finally, Lavender, actually i love the lavender scent since very long time ago, anything related to lavender, i sure will buy it.. and yesterday i bought lavender from a uncle, he sell them cheaper compare to you buy it from restaurant or tea shop, i got them with 5 bucks, and its enough for me to satisfy my addict LOL.
and i found out, you not only can make lavender tea and drink, you can also use the tea on your face!!
I use cottons, wet whole cotton with lavender tea, and put on my face, its kinda hydrate and make you feel calm and relax, because you can smell the scent!! after 15-20 mins, you take out the cotton, don rinse it!! you will find out your face really soft than before and its hydrated!! I love it so much!!

New semester started already

Finally can study liao~

But, I got 1 subject failed in exam last sem, which is Managing People and Performance, I failed!! damn it!

So, either got to retake the subject or do another subject will be my option. Sigh

This semester I got 5 subjects got to taking. Stress arr~

But never mind, I will do my best!! To get a good result, I must study hard and do more revision~

Learn from others as well..

Below is the subjects I taking this sem:

From left to right ya: 

advanced research methodology, career guidance and prep for psy 2, learning and cognition,conflict theory, consumer behaviour

(the note book is given by my darling ^.^)

currently I have been attended the consumer behaviour class only, the rest will be start on 5th of Sept.

So I only tell a little bit about consumer behaviour. I am very headache about consumer behaviour because its 100% work, means which have no exam at the end. Its con and pro as well.. sigh, Im very scare of group assignment, because i don really like to work with others.. and its not easy to have a good partners.. sigh

But nevermind, can pratice myself to work with other, so that i can get use to it in my life and do more interactions with others, and as i know the partners are not perfect to me, I will do my best to get better result~ 

Oh ya! I bought 2 english books for self learning to improve my language strength~ as below:

I found that these 2 books have no answer provide for the exercises.=.= wat the hell~

Luckily I got a best friend who is english education background can mark for me~ thanks her so much~ muakss!

3rd sem exam result

Sigh~ got happiness also got sadness...
A bit disappointed to myself, my SU electives subjects got not really pretty result, my Managing people and Performance failed and got to retake it. While Business Skills 2 got grade 8 which considered lower second class grade.. really shame, sigh~

But my psychology subjects got not bad, at least got improved ^.^
Today I just bought 2 English learning books for self study to improve my language. If want to survive in college life, the 1st thing to do is improve your english, and you only can do well in your study.

3rd day of my dad in hospital

Today is 3rd day my dad lay in hospital, he is still sleeping, I think he really got tired and he wants enough rest only can wake up.. So I will waiting for him. 

Last night, we went to asked the chines god which my mum request to do so. To let her not to worry, so we go and ask even I damn don't believe in this. 

I pray hardly even I am not believe in it, but I still hope the god can give us the answer, but I already the god is fake when I asked questions to the god..

Guess what she said? 

1. I gave her my dad lunar birthday, and told her my dad is in hospital now, so I want to know what happened to my dad and is it any miracle.

and guess what she said?she asked me back, why my dad in hospital? =.=..damn, if u are god, u totally no need to ask me these kind of questions because u already know what happened on him. 

Then my aunt so nervous and told her, my dad fainted because high pressure, and now in coma, cannot wake up, so what we need to do..=.=

after the god listened, she told us, "wah, like tis ar, very dangerous de lo... cannot promise when he can wake up, wat we can do is wait wait wait wait, and said, this kind of ill cannot put so much hope on that, we need to wait doctor, and said even he can wake up, we also got to take care of him for whole life, and blah blah blah..." 

please la, this answer I no need ask from god, any 5-year-old kids also can listened and learned from TV already, and u only told me back what i know..=.=... tot im stupid? go fuck off!!

somemore said we must take care my dad even he is wake up, pls la, i also know we need to take care la, takkan because of tis, we wish he is not wake up? damn!! 

no matter how i will do whatever i can! to let my dad survive. 

and she said my dad no hope, i will believe he sure can wake up and got hope! coz she is fake!!! 

Dad, don worry, we will never give up, and we not stupid to listen those fella~

my dad in hospital

yesterday morning, i received a call from my dad's friends, he told me that my dad was fainted and been sent to alor setar hospital, and i thought it was just dreaming or what, but actually not. At the beginning i have no feeling about it, but when he told me that my dad got very high pressure and about 200+, i really got shocked, how come this can happened? It's just like drama's story or scene, its can't be!

Because of my dad's situation very risky and critical, so they cannot move him and scare cannot rush back to penang, too dangerous to do so. So my dad was in alor setar's government hospital, and i called my mum about this news. She rushed to alor setar with my relatives to visit my dad, and stayed there for whole afternoon.

At evening, we got the call from alor setar said that my dad was stable for a while, so we can transfer him to penang hospital, its will be more convenient to us whenever we want to visit him or take care of him. So we decided to send him to penang.

At the night, we rushed to the penang's government hospital and they told us his pressure raised again, from 100+ to 200+.. really scared us. And his situation became more dangerous and critical. 

Seriously, I hated my dad sometimes, but at the same time, i do loved him, how much i hate, means how much i do love, maybe more than that. 

The doctors told us that, be prepared on psychological for anything that will happened, he might gone anytime. Honestly, we never be prepared for losing him, even my mum hates him too, but we really never mean to loss him. So now, we only can pray and wish that is miracle happens to us, and he can get well soon.

When I saw him lay on the bed, full with pairs and he got no response, I felt so sad and wish to let him know that i love him so much even i always fight for my freedom, but I seriously love him!! 

Doctor said we cannot do anything unless wait for miracle, and very high risk for operation, because that is bleeding on his brain, lower part that might causing his organs out of functions. 

I do hope that I am dreaming, everything is just a dream, not a fact, I really scared to loss him. I love him very much. I hope my dad can hear us, hear me, feel me when I am holding his hands. Seriously, and I felt guilt, because since secondary school, this is 1st time i hold my father's hands, and look at him so close. I was scare to look at him all the time, but this time, I hope he is looking at me, with his scary eyes. But he closed the eyes now. Daddy, I am missing you, really, I miss you so much. Please come back to us, please, I please you.

I promise u, I will do better in my studies, and i know now is a bit late to give promise, but please, I want you back to us. We need you. And don't angry on us anymore, we sorry about we always made you angry, but we will be good kids. 

I love u daddy, and I know u do love me too. So, you rest for few days enough already, after u enough rest, remember come back ya~ we always waiting for you~ no matter how long... love u~

batu ferringhi

 a very beautiful seaside~ the sands so pretty~

 got a river in the middle of the beach, so amazing~ loL

 what the footprint are there? a kind of bird? or chicken? 

can u see the baby crab? looked alike the sands. there are a lot of small crab on the beach...


well, we had fun on the beach, eating the corn while watch people playing around, and the view are so pretty just as the pictures.. 

our 1st valentine's day

never expected that he will gives me flowers..loL

these are the presents that i gave him, and the present he gave me. Although they are not as other couples got a very luxury gifts, but they are also meaningful and useful.

haha, he is so cute, learned from me, and he got a new nickname by his friends, called jupiter's posture.. loL

my 1st birthday present by him :)

he brought the candies when he went to KL visited his friends. I was wondered this candies as well before he went to KL.
He gave me a surprise because he told me he didn't buy, but he gave them to me when he came and see me..
Starting really disappointed because of his careless, but touched because he not really ignore my requests.

p/s: the candies still left a lot in my house, the quality of the taste became bad cause I left them for quite a long time... :p