Unexpected plot twist

Hmm, I had no ideas since when, and how, we had confirmed our status and relationship. There is no clear date and time that we are now couple. 😐

I don't remember how it turned out, just knowing that we are now committed to each other. Liking each other and loving each other.

He makes me know that how a relationship supposed to be like. A relationship supposed to be, two persons caring each other, concern each other instead of only one person contribute everything. Housework work together, spending time to listen and speak out, sharing about daily events, having own space. 

Every moment, we are missing each other, if we spending time together, we would spending time to cuddle. From time to time, he telling me how well am I, I am a good girl, worth everything beautiful and nice things in this world, encourage me, giving me confident, analyses life event of me, telling me more about the things I didn't know about the world. I see he is sparking all the time, he is good looking and charming in my eyes. Even though sometimes he act silly and with some stupidity, but I enjoy the time spending with him. He support me mentally and physically when I need. 

He concern about my girl, keep checking on me about my girl's status and well being. My girl is not with me, but with her father. He knows that I miss my girl a lot, when he knows I plan to go back see my girl, he is the only one who support me for going back to see my girl. All my family against me and my decisions, but he is the only one, understand me deeply and my feelings, I really appreciate that, and thank to him for always support me and give me strength to achieve something I want. 

I love him, I don't know how far we could go, and how far we would last, but I love him the moment we are together. 

He taught me to view the world differently, and refresh my points of views, even sometimes the topic are very deep and I need time to study on. I hope I could become more stronger, and support him in any form to give him strength to achieve his dream. 

In this relationship, I finally achieve something, what I always wish for a relationship goal, which is growing together, learning together, and get wealth together. I don't mind my partner is not rich, but I wish the person is always not tired of learning, and keep on upgrading own self value. 

I wish we could go very far together, and last forever, anything we working on it together. Keep on communicate to get the things fixed. Getting old together and never get tired of each other. 

 

Something uncertain

 Well, I had mentioned in the previous topic, Phillip and I developed into sex-partner relationship.

I behaved as friend daily, and turned to be wild at night. As behaved as a friend, I did not involve much in his life, his decisions, or comments much about his stuff, as I know that we are friend, so I always bear in mind how a friend suppose to behaves. 

Everyday, he concerns about my needs, my feelings, my situation from time to time. I get confused as I am not sure if this is how he concern his friends. He would hold my hands when we talking, give me a kiss on my forehead, cooked and wait for me to come back from work, and also will lay on my laps to relax, everything just sweet. I did not know what he means, and I worry I interpret wrongly, maybe he just treated me this way due to single for too many years, but didn't meant to commit into relationship, and when time comes, I have to go back to Seremban as planned, by time, we might just nothing to each other but just friends. 

I tried not to react much to his actions, and kept reminding myself, I shall not involve any feelings. But he was so caring, which I never experienced in all my relationship previously, even the ex husband also never as caring as he did. 

He never said he likes me or telling me anything that he wants me to be his girlfriend or etc, so I try to hold back my feelings, it did hurt sometimes as confusing me, but I managed to control my emotions and also feelings. 

He continues to treated me so well, and I couldn't hold anymore, and asked him if he likes me, but I didn't get any feedback, he just kept quiet and refuse to talks. Well, I said to him, if you didn't like me is okay, just tell me, I know what to do. He told me, he didn't said so. 😐😐So, what its means? I didn't know, and do not want to asked further, which make me sound desperate. 

 

End of Career and start a new life in other state

 I had ended my career from J&T Express (PEN) region back in Apr 2021. 

And I had moved to Seremban, Negeri Sembilan to find JJ Lim as she wanted to start her pub business over there and asked me to corporate with her in the business.

Things doesn't turned out as planned. The pub business forced to on hold due to the increase of cases of covid-19, and due to the serious of the pandemic, government announced of locking down for some of the businesses. 

At time, I keep in touch with Phillip, and he was aware of my situation, and helped in looking for job opportunities for helping me to survive through the pandemic. 

I was in Seremban, and he is in KL. He has few job opportunities for me, but in KL. I felt like, if I choose to be in KL, then I have to include the rental in my fix expenses, which is really not worthy as income would be quite low as a part timer. I am choose to work as part time, meanwhile waiting for the pub to operate the business as normal. He told me need not to worry about the place of staying, his office is empty and able to provide me a place if I don't mind. Well, when I heard this, I think this could be a great deal, as a friend, I can return him with treat of meals when I get my salary. So I accept his offer lastly and packed my stuff and go to KL in just few days time of consideration. 

The job he looked for me was a cashier, to me its not a difficult job to handle, but over-qualify, so I just accept it and go for it as a temporary job to get minimum income. 

I expected the whole space is occupied by me alone, didn't expect that he would be staying with me, as I thought he will only comes once a while to do his job and he will be staying other place or house. 

First day arrived in KL, his office. He was staying over together, in a same room, I feel awkward, inconvenience and a little of worries, because I could not being myself over the time, and he is a male, I admitted I have a little of feelings towards him, and I never staying over with any guys in a room, except looking for sex, I worried that our friendship would affected over the time. Well, first night, I really not able to slept well, insomnia seriously. I were awake trying to make myself to sleep until mid night, or around morning 4am or maybe 5am, he awake and knowing I could not sleep, and he could not continue to sleep back. 

He asked me if he could sleep beside me, on the sofa bed that I was on. I said, this is your sofa bed, you can just sleep beside (wishing that he is really just sleep beside as two individuals without any chemicals reactions), but I was wrong. He hugged me from behind. I was a little bit shocked and stunned, didn't dare to make any move, I knew where it might goes as flow, I tried to be relax, and he touched me softly, as I could not hold further anymore and started to give him reactions, and thinking I shall just go with the flow, both of us are adults, and it wasn't wrong if we developed into sex-partner as long as always bear in minds, game is game, and always remember the rules, and act as an adult. 

Due to my current status, separate with spouse (divorce situation) but still not officially divorced, so I try to not putting much of feelings and commit too fast, I didn't know his thoughts as well, maybe he just need a sex partner as I do, and both of us are fulfill each other needs, so, why not? 

We are sex-partner and friends as the same time, this was the best at time for both of us. 

My new life and new chapter in KL. 

Broken marriage. Divorce.

After 2years of dating, 3 years of marriage, now coming to divorce stage.

People asked me, the reason to end the marriage.

I couldnt tell more. I could just said, I had experienced the disappointments.
I learned to be reserve, being mature in relationship and thinking after the first relationship i had experience with heart broken after all the love and trust i had given to.

So the second relationship which i had go through the dating stage and marriage.
My personality was bold eversince. I choose the person, i bear with the consequences even after i know he might not the right one. I told myself, i would falling in love after married as how i falled in love in my first relationship.
But i was wrong. His personality, thinking, and some other perspectives are totally crash with mine. I told myself to accept the person as whole. I tried to, and commincated with him. But what I get is his ignorance. Ignore my worries of our future, he still living comfortably in his comfort zone. While i was the one insecure with all of these. I strive for better future, better living quality, while he thinks that current is good enough, while we were having financial crisis. I am enough with all of these worries and insecure, i told him how i felt, but what i got was he thinks thats because i was overthinking, everything will be fine after years. But i truly know that, things would not getting better if we do not do anything to make sure things work. I talked about divorce, he also thinks that its not an issue, i was finding something to argue about. I know, after years of being together, he never tried to understand me and my needs. I know all his thoughts and even what is playing in his mind. I can simply just voice out on behalf of him for whatever he does not know how to express. But, for me, he never ever able to voice out my thoughts and feelings.
About divorce, he also never show the attitude that he cares about me, that he needs me in our family. He just left the responsible on me as the decision maker. I am really enough. I had move out, for the beginning, everyweek i asked him, what is his thoughts, what actions he is going to take. Nothing, i get no answer for my questions. He didnt able to answer with just simple word which is that i need you, i hope we do not go through divorce and take actions on how we going to change our life.
Not even a message or a call.
Ya, i am done. I am thank to god for sharping my personality which make me strong, bold and independent.

Divorce 离婚

If one day, you come to the decision of divorce, it should divorce for one self goodness, freedom, and needs. Never ever divorce for the reasons that you are in love with someone, you want to give commitment to another person else, or you want to make another person happy, don't. If the reason you divorce is because another person, you would regret it. Only if the reason is for your own. You are in control of your self, you are in charge for your own decision, you are the king of yourself, and you are the ruler of your own.

There are more disappointments waiting for you after your divorce a marriage if there is for somebody else. So, remember, never ever divorce for another person, you as a whole person must be the main reason, no guilty after all, just in case others ask you, why you divorce, imagine your answer is I in love with some body else, who make me happy, and compare with the reason, I am not satisfy with my marriage, I prefer to be single and I prefer freedom. Which sound better?

工事，委屈 Hard feelings in works

今天，莫名的一个顾客要求我写抱歉信函。说真的，那一刻我是气炸了，接受不到为什么这封抱歉的信需要由我来写？顾客指名道姓我要去写给他！这一点已经让我心理很不平衡了，要我写也不是不行，我总该要知道我到底哪里犯错了，我才知道要怎样写吧？那个主管他去见的顾客，我从上个星期交代他去处理了，拖到了今天，导致顾客要我写信！我已经很不甘心的了，同事说得很简单，说我自己压力做么？我不是压力，我是不甘心。对，做给他罢了，有什么好不甘心的？旁人说得很简单，你们很理智，而我情绪化，我也没什么好去争的了，只是问看大家到底要写怎样的抱歉涵，叫我随便写，说真的，我做不到随便写。毫无头绪，从来没有写过这种内容的信，我就试着上网找看看有没有合适的格式可以参考看看，然后再摸索要怎样写出来。我确实是很认真在于这封信上，毕竟它是一封抱歉的信，肯定不是随便就可以乱写的，要看起来专业，诚心的歉意。所以我就没想要吃饭，一时不饿，也不想吃，因为没心情吃了。也许同事是看不过眼我搞到自己吃不下饭吧。一个个叫我吃，而我也语气不好了。我只希望大家可以让我一个人整理好我的情绪，当我透明，让我自己想好跟做好我要做的事，我就真的很感激了。结果那个臭人，每次都要用激将法，说真的，我不喜欢这种方式。我在思考在看格式要写信，他一直放话说那么简单的信还需要看格式，不用的啦，看来做么？弄到自己压力。我已经够烦的了，很不想理他，偏偏一直在那边刺激我的情绪，老实说，我不想流泪，结果给他刺激到了，我情绪很难控制，我只好冲去厕所，避开他的攻击，让自己冷静，再一次用手机网上找合适的格式。厕所呆了大概10-20分钟，我也大概读完我需要知道的东西，然后重新回到座位上继续写我的信。出来我也不是很想跟他谈话。我知道我们两已经不爽对方了。所以我选择不搭理他，他也不搭理我。我不理解他什么情况会生气我，也许他尝试帮我的时候我不领情，或是他刺激我的时候我给他的过度反应导致他不高兴。晚上我试着信息他，问看看有管那个顾客的事情，他选择不回信。好吧，也许他累了，早休息。但是我却看到他在工作群里活跃着，我知道他依然不高兴我了。好吧，我也不知要说什么，反正我不认为我今天做了什么对不起他的事，我需要冷静的时候，他不让我冷静。他还发一条帖子，说如果你不考虑到他人的感受，那么你就别期望他人会考虑你的感受。也许只是巧合他看到了很有意义的文字，但是我很难不去对号入座。

Today was a bad day to me. 

A customer suddenly request an apologies letter from me. Yes, he mentioned my name and request I prepare and write the apologies letter, which he told to the supervisor Azwan. To be honest, i couldnt accept the request. As I don even know, what I had done to the customer, I do my jobs follow the company SOP, customer couldnt understand it, and being rude when he was talking to me, i had choosed to ignored his message and seek for professional help, to know what i can do on this. And yes, HQ feedback me that i need to find a superior to speak to the customer, and solve his problem. And i did already informed to Shazzuan on the same day as well, which is 1 week before i need to prepare the apologies letter. He arranged Azwan to meet the customer, and Azwan didnt arrange or even contact the customer until today customer again release his anger in the whatapps, only he finally contacted customer, and turned out i need to write the apologies letter. Yes, its just part of my job, and i just need to do as per request so can close the case soon. But, for what? It was not my fault, someone delayed in the progress, and turned out i am the 1 need to apology for no reasons?! Yes, i was emotional when i heard this news, i was in anger, i was upset, i was disappointed. Ok fine, i can do it, so i tried to figure it out, what kind of apologies customer was asking for. I tried to asked shazzuan, he not able to tell me what kind of the mistakes or any points that customer need my apologies. Everyone simply said, watever apologies lah, takkan customer blindly just need an apologies letter without knowing what he wants? Its fine too, i tried to figure out the template of apologies letter, as i never wrote one before, i never come accross to this kind of issues. I tried to ask Azwan as well, what customer told, at least i can have some ideas, but again, disappointed me, being my colleagues, i worked with them for almost 1 year, they should known my personalities, even customer is right, at least letting me know, what customer said, when i heard azwan and shazzuan said, "i had settled this for you, you just write whatsoever customer wants and close this case" it make me sound like i was a failed person, or i am under their arrangement. Okay, fine. Nevermind, i had a hard feelings also i tried to do, i was not willing, but i forced myself as well, because its part of my jobs, right? Ok. When preparing the letter, i tried to being focus, and i was not in hunger at the same time did not have the appetite to take the lunch. I checked templated, i do my best, but i don understand why shazzuan want to mentally attacked me asking me to take the lunch, i just want to be alone and done the letter as soon as i can. Ya, i was distressed, but i didnt deny to write the letter, i am not meant to let other people to do it for me. But shazzuan seem like misunderstand on me, he interpreted my emotions as i am refuse to write the letter, he was in a sarcastic way told me that he will do the letter for me, and i just signed on it. Seriously? It hurt me even more. And when he saw i was on google checking for template, again, he comment loudly, until everyone can hear, saying that just a simple letter also u need to check for templated, why so susah sangat nak buat letter ni? You stress apa? I tak suka tengok orang stress2 sangat buat kerja. It hit my emotions again, i had stop my negative feelings, and the feeling of ashame had already reduced before he said so, but when he spoke these all out, my ashame level were increase alot, i cant control my emotion already, so i leave my desk, and went to toilet to escape from his attacks. After spending time in toilet, i had cold down my emotions, and i was able to handle the letter in a mutual way. But i can feel the environment between me and shazzuan was in a fire. Both of us not spoke to each other eversince, i know both of us need to calm down as well, so i not kacau him. Until evening, i text him, just to find a topic, i tried to asked him if he met the customer just now. There was no replies from him, okay, maybe he was tired. But then, i saw he was active in the group, and he not reply to my msg. Another bomb. Haha.

I really donno what i can say already, he is 3 years older then me, somehow he is mature, but somehow he is childish, just like what had happened today, i was having a hard feelings as well, not less then him, he was not aware that he was hurting me by his speech, i did aware i might hurted him as well in the way i reacted to his "caring", but it should be understandable why i reacted such way.

Ya, its fine.

Watever he wants, i really not able to care too much, i care, but they are not even care for my feelings. 

Lastly, to those who understand you, no need any explanations. Those who don understand you, they don even care for your explanation and they are not worthy for your explanation. 

Last, but not least.

A strong friendships, small matter would not able to spoilt it. Believing in faith. 

I had cried a lot recently. Career, family, marriage, none of them is in good condition. And i know, i will be alone at last. This is the worst situation i would facing. 

在这段感情里，我缺乏了自信，缺乏了去爱人的勇气，我不敢去讲爱你。

我怕，怕有一天我伤害了你，怕有一天我离开了你，所以我没能告诉你我有多爱你，

我也许是自私，因为我知道我不再是以前的我，那么的全心爱一个人，因为我被伤害过。

我也许说过了一些伤害到你的话，我知道我很坏，但我绝对是无心的。

每当你说“一辈子”，我都会有所怀疑，因为我不懂一辈子是多久，以前有个人也是说过一辈子，但是那都是谎言。

而我，我跟跟你说一辈子，是因为我不知道我能不能陪你一辈子，一辈子好长，负担很重。

我很多时候都是露出质疑的神情，我是在想一辈子是什么~

曾经想过我们在一起也许是错误的，我也许根本还没准备好有另一半，我也许会在未来伤害了你，就像我的前任伤害了我一样。因为我发现我好像有他之前的行为。我曾经迟疑了。

虽然那么多的不确定跟迟疑。

但是这一刻，我幻想如果有一天我们分开，我很清楚的知道我会非常的伤心，非常的舍不得，很不想走到那一天，我不希望跟你分开，我希望可以陪伴着你，你可以陪伴着我。

我也许依然不敢跟你说一辈子，因为我清楚知道承诺不应该随便给。

一辈子，如果我们哪天真的结婚了，准备两个人过活的时候，我会跟你说。

这篇表白，我是留到我们结婚那天，交给你。

如果我们真的走到结婚的阶段，踏进婚姻了。

我希望我能告诉你，我爱你，一辈子。

在一起两个月了，
我们一开始并不想正常的情侣有热恋的感觉，
一切都好正常，两个人的行为也属于成熟吧。。
思想方面也是，完全没有要黏在一起的感觉。
其实我觉得有点怪，因为一切都好不自然，我也说不出哪里有问题。

就是我觉得有点不对，但是我完全没有吵架的情绪。
我是指，正常人的话，会拿出来吵或是要求这样那样的，但我们却没有。
公司里天天见面，但是我们都没什么互动，也很低调的没人知道我们的关系。
晚上没有一起吃饭，没有什么信息聊天，就互动不多。

我在猜想，会不会是因为我们各自有一段时期都是出于单身状态，习惯了自己一个人，所以出现了这样的现象。
大家习惯了不向任何人报备，习惯了没有人可以思念，习惯了自己打发时间，习惯了自己找乐子过时间。
他，单身四年。而我，单身一年。
真的忘了如何恋爱。

我，很安静。
他，很多话。
有时我会觉得很罗嗦，很烦。
但是我不急于要他改变，觉得没有改变的需要。
我应该要接受这样的他，因为他就是他。

自上一段恋情，我学会了不要太过于执着，学会了放下身段。
所以我不再像以前一样，有过多的意见跟见解。
我，很多时候保留了我自己。这是我最压力跟看不开的地方。
我一直在问自己，为何我不能表达自己，为何我不能再像以前一样不在乎另一半如何看待自己？
我真的很不明白。


后来，我告诉自己，以前被伤害了，现在不应该用当时的心态来对待新男友，这是不公平的。
确实，自我保护是没有错，但是我认为保护自己的同时不应该忘了对方的感受。
所以我告诉了他，关于我面对的困难，希望他能理解，希望他能包容。
我也慢慢的开始会分享生活上的小小事物，希望会习惯跟他分享。

结束了单身

时隔一年，我渴望恋爱，但我从没想到我在那么短时间又有新恋情。
我是主动的一方，对象是我的同事，这也是在我的预料之外的事。
我从没想过要有给公司之恋，会憧憬但不渴望，因为我是个怕麻烦跟复杂的人。
偏偏却看上了。。


一开始我没对他有任何的情绪，而且他看起来并不是单身之人，也许有老婆孩子了呢。
所以一开始对他就没有幻想。
但是很怪的是，同事一直会起哄，搞到我也糊涂了。。为什么要起哄我们呢？？还是有其他人啊~

开始时我还有点反感外加会躲开他。因为大家真的反应太大加上他们太热情了。我有点不习惯大家闹着玩。

在收工宴上我开始观察了他。既然大家说他单身，那么就观察看看他的为人如何。
宴会上大家都玩疯了，唯独他还能保持置身之外，事不关己的感觉。我虽然是玩得有点疯，跟有点醉，但我还是很清楚整个过程跟气氛。很多事我都看在眼里。

那晚，多数的男生都醉了，酒品可以很清楚的知道。
我就不多说男生喝醉是如何了，总之没有绅士可言就对了。
唯独他，不占任何的便宜。就算我故意靠近，他也不会趁机。这是让我感叹的现象。
所以印象开始变好了。。但是我对他的感觉当天晚上似乎有了变化。

那天起我的眼神开始锁定了他，耳朵开始变得很灵了。
开始会幻想他在恋爱是会呈现的样子。
他是个老实人，看起来就是木头，宅男的形象。
我对这个形象又爱又恨得。
我害怕宅男，但我爱老实人。
害怕他们的圈子小，见识不够广，思想保守，依赖；但是爱他们的忠心，忠诚。
又怕又戒不掉对他的幻想跟渴望。

我开始了一系列的追求计划，希望他对我也有点的喜欢，以便有机会成为情侣。
他大我九岁，这也是我烦恼的一件事。
我烦的不是我们之间的差距，而是他处于适婚年龄，怎样都会渴望婚姻生活。
而我还没有准备好结婚，就算期待婚姻，但依然还是会恐惧，外加之前经历过了失败。

他，很难追。
我是一个很没有耐性的人，很热情，但是如果得不到鼓励，我是会放弃的。
而他，时而有点回应，时而让我觉得一切都是我自己的幻想而已。
所以，追求计划维持了一个月左右，我就放弃念头了。
我害怕给予承诺，也害怕伤了人家，毕竟我没有结婚的打算。

可偏偏在我放弃的时候，他开始主动信息我了。
那时我即是兴奋，即是激动。猜想他到底是为什么。
然而他并没有继续主动的行为了。
他陪我过生日，可当晚，我们的一些聊天内容促使了我们在一起。。

3月17日2015年，
我的生日，即是我们的纪念日。

怎么还有心情写部落格啊？

有一种人，必须要把心里的疑问，心里的不开都一一发泄了才能继续日常的点滴-----这是感性的人类

另一种人，他们懂得当下什么是比较重要的，必须把它完成才可以-----这是理性的人类

而我，是第一种人类，但是我不会说我自己很感性，我任何时候都是感性，但是这种时候，我不觉得我感性，反而需要的是理性。

“感性”让人听起来好有智慧？也许吧。。我对我本身是感性的觉得很自豪。可是在这时候我不能自欺欺人，这种时候因为感性而耍感性是相当幼稚的行为。

废话很多都没有进入重点hor~~ =.= 

好啦好啦。。重点就重点嘛~那么急做么~~

其实我是要推动自己去focus在我的论文。哈哈哈。。

所以希望借由写作鼓励自己要把论文赶出来。。

我很需要人在旁边给我力量，我一直以为我很坚强，是给女强人的料。

可是后来因为失恋关系，我变得好脆弱。

我问过自己为什么会这样，后来得到的答案是 “以前有男朋友个我支持，我累了可以依靠他，我知道有人对我不离不弃的在那里” 所以我都很坚强，不认为我是不能的，最多是气馁一阵子，然后另一半给我一个抱抱，我又充满了信心啦！！！

我很多时候会想起以前有个人陪的日子，我一直跟自己说我真的需要有另一半给我支持。

可是我明白了不可以太过依赖一个人，因为当他离开你的那一天，你就会失去全世界。我失去了自己，失去了全世界，我应该要更加坚强，更加依靠自己，不要再认为没有男人是不行的。有个爱人在身边给予支持确实是我的最好动力，也是很快乐很轻松搞定一切。

而现在清楚的知道，我这个时候是没有爱人在身边给我心灵上所需要的，那么就只好自己帮自己。

要相信一定能的，把手头上的事情处理掉，把它做好不是为了证明给他看到我没有他可以还是可以过得很好，而是对自己负责任很不要辜负自己，仅此而已。

不需要证明给他看我没有他可以过得更漂亮，因为我活得漂不漂亮他根本没兴趣也不关心，忙到最后，累的还是自己，不是吗？

自由活出自己就好，对得起自己，对得起天地良心，问心无愧就够了。

所以，我必须要顾虑自己专注于我的论文，8月份就必须交了~~ 

加油！女人！！

努力不一定成功，但是不努力一定不能成功~~

单纯的女生

曾经有一个女生, 她很单纯, 她幼稚过, 天真过, 叛逆过。好奇一切男欢女爱的清洁, 18禁的事情她都很想知道很想体会。她曾经是一个很不会想的女生, 不多人知道她以前有几度不懂得洁身自爱。幸运的是, 她再怎么思想不洁身自爱也都没有跟不是爱人的男人发生关系, 一切都临时打住。也没跟任何男人见过面, 一切都是网上交流而已。她曾经疯狂过, 至少她身边的女生好友都自认不可能像她一样。她爱成人动作片, 而且还让好姐妹看, 在她毫无经验之下讲解一些她大概知道的东西, 研究她好奇的姿势。但她都没机会体验。
后来, 网上交了个男友。她对他一无所知, 她曾经拒绝过他, 可是男人的死缠烂打让她不懂得应付, 最后答应做他的女友。原来他是指做他的网上情人。感情维持3个月, 可是就足以让她伤心好久, 她甚至认为她的心已经不完整了, 没资格爱人, 因为那个男人在她的心里, 但是也丢了。
她开始有写作, 但都是短短的几个字, 几句话。她那时很爱乱乱加人进朋友圈, 原因无它, 只是无聊想找陌生人聊聊天, 看到不认识朋友加她, 她单纯的开心, 认为人家想跟她做朋友。她曾经网上遇到过变态, 可是她都可以陪他们聊, 现在她想起都觉得可笑, 为什么当初会那么认真, 不会怀疑他人, 也不会不信任他人, 原来她曾经有个左右铭 "跟人相处要的就是一份信任, 如果什么事都要猜疑和怀疑, 累的是自己。如果他人要欺骗我, 那就让他去好了, 反正我没损失" -她一直抱着这心态跟人交朋友。当然她也经历很多难忘的交友情节, 搞得她也累, 可是她还是不怎么样, 最多听了算, 不会过问太多和质疑太多事情。
有一次她在网上请求帮忙, 有个男的刚好懂得所以他们交换了号码, 但她没有把人家的号码记起来, 只是放任一旁。后来因为有突发状况, 她就上线找那男生帮忙还是埋怨之类的, 那男的却打了电话过来。她一向来都是怕听电话的女生, 她看着陌生号码, 硬着头皮听电话。那边传来一个很好听的男声, 一时之间她迷住了, 那声音真好听。。
就这样他们开始有用电话联络保持友谊关系。他们很多时候在网上玩游戏帮来帮去。男生更要把他的fb户口给她自由进出, 而她从来没进去过, 男人对她的信任让她觉得不自在, 她不喜欢挖掘也不好奇人家的隐私。她喜欢跟这男生聊天, 因为他从来不会聊那些所有男人爱的话题, 也不会侵犯她, 所以她觉得很舒服自在。她也曾经用那些话题来试探男生, 可是很神奇的是男生都很明显的体现出一副不想聊的感觉。期间她还是同时有几个欣赏的男生, 当然一样是网上的。
这男生很明显的是在追求她, 可是他不急着要她接受。曾经一度女生表明了不想谈恋爱, 男生很懂得拿捏, 也就不会一上线就找她, 她又很犯贱的想要男生的好, 自然她开始主动找男生聊天, 他们又像之前一样啦~~
她看过男生的照片, 很明显的他不是她喜欢的类型。她欣赏书卷味很浓郁的外貌, 而男生没有。她欣赏男生抽烟很好看的样子, 而男生在照片里比较像在告知天下他会抽烟。外貌就不是她会欣赏的了, 但是她却很纠结, 因为她知道男生有细心跟细腻的一面, 她知道男生可以给到她需要的关心。
在男生无数次的要求见面下, 他们终于见了面。男生给她的感觉很不错, 见到真人发现其实他没有照片上那么的糟糕, 反而耐看多了。
他们继续第二次见面, 去逛街。然后回来的时候她想了很久, 她跟男生说希望可以成为他的女友, 男生也答应了。就这样她开始了她的初恋。

-----续-----

他不配

单身的日子随着一天一天过而增加了。
期间也阅读了有关两性之间的话题跟书。以前有男朋友的时候不是很了解分手会是什么感觉, 什么样的生活, 现在一次过懂得了。
绝大多数的情侣不会在第一次闹分手的时候而分手, 就算再怎么生气到很想分手的时候都还是会先有个冷静期。而我每次吵架都是很快就和好, 最严重的一次是1个星期后和好。
而这个男人, 他因为我一次无理取闹就否定我3年来所付出的感情, 一句 "我认为我们不合适" 而把我抛弃。那次是我最后一次也是我第一次听他说"我们不合适", 从来没说过的话第一次听到, 没有第二次的机会让我思考, 没有冷静期, 没有打算跟我一起努力磨合, 没有勇气跟我一起面对未来。
老实说, 现在想起我还是很懊恼, 很不甘, 也恨他。恨他为什么抛弃我? 我告诉自己"那是因为他不够爱我, 所以他没打算给我任何的机会" 爱一个人都舍不得跟对方分开, 他说爱我, 可是却把我推开, 还说不要浪费我的青春跟时间。哈哈哈, 3年不是青春不是时间吗?? 我只能说他爱他自己胜于我。
他当时的他是自私的。以前说过如果我跟他分开了, 那么他不想再恋爱了, 因为很累。我爱他, 所以很认真的过每一天跟他一起的日子。也知道我们不会分开, 那么他也不会孤独终老了。分开后我还很相信他, 相信他的人格, 万万没想到, 分开才一个月他有了追求的对象, 再后来一个月跟另一个女人开始新恋情, 也就是说他在分手后的两个月内有了新的女友。他推翻一切他告诉我的东西, 而我傻傻的, 当真的, 怕他会孤独一生而更加的爱他。
到后来我什么都得不到, 连一次的机会都没资格有。
是的, 我这么好的女人, 他不配拥有, 不懂得珍惜, 我不稀罕。
哭吧~ 哭完今天不要再哭了, 3年的感情, 付出就当作是施舍给他的。
我不后悔爱他, 只是恨他连思考都不会, 没有想过我的感受, 仅此而已。3年感情尽了。我曾经爱过他。现在放他自由, 放过自己。哭多就一晚好了。
以后我是为自己而活, 真心想跟我过生活的男人才是爱我的, 而我和会重新爱上一个男人, 那个懂得呵护我的, 懂得拿捏事情轻重的男人。

论文

前几天又回去KL见老师，为的就是论文 :(
论文永远是我的恶梦~

读书以来，我的压力不大也不多的，偏偏就是这个死鬼论文，搞到我都差点自杀了 （如果我不敢面对的话）

论文的第一阶段：那时刚失恋，完全失去了方向，也专心不了。我又不懂该怎么做论文，时间又很紧逼。我不懂掉了多少泪~ 看着电脑，读着文章我就哭了，看多久就哭多久，我现在没瞎真是奇迹~~
好啦，终于哭完了，论文的题材也出来了。
接下来是第二阶段

论文的第二阶段：就是必须得到一些批准，那就是一些我要用到一些人的东东的时候要有他们的同意，所以我必须想办法联络他们，可是我得不到回复。也就是说我碰钉子了。
这一个阶段时间更紧逼。很恐怖的。
我已经搬回槟城了啊~ 毕竟我只剩下论文而已，留在KL没意思，也不用花多余的钱。
哪里知道老师一封信，就要我回去了。其实我有打算不管怎样我都还是需要回去的，有必要的时候必须回去。可她的信里的口气，我怕~讲到我好像不懂分轻重，回来是错的决定酱。
然后压力就好大啊~~ 她又要我重新找过新的资料来代替久的，就几天的时间里要了。然后我就压力咯，拼命找，还是找不到 =.= 原来google也有不懂的东西的~~

然后去KL了，寄住在熟人家，我妈更我一起下去~
然后我又继续找，希望可以得到些蛛丝马迹~ 偏偏还是没结果 :(
晚上睡觉的时候又哭 =.=
希望有个人可以给我力量的说，可是明知道是不可能的了。所以才会很悲伤，觉得自己好可怜，没人可以依赖了，也没人理解我。（家人不会完全的理解你的）
然后哭着哭着，就告诉自己，算了，那人都离开了自己，有了新的女友，干嘛还去怀念以前？怀念有个屁用哦？
自己靠自己好了，下一个一定会珍惜我的。（当然我也要爱他的啦，不爱他的话，他珍惜我也没有用）
然后就不哭了。

隔天见老师，我把我找到的东西给老师看，然后告诉她我遇到的困难。（希望的是让她知道我努力了）
她也没有骂得我很惨，基本上是没有骂我啦，只是念而已。（在我之前的男生，被说的很惨，我都听到了><)

经过一番讨论，她提议我走shortcut, 意思就是说直接做容易的东西。
嘿嘿，也不错下。所以讨论完了过后，我快快改写东西然后当天交了上去。
所以我提早回来啦~~
（我好想念我的傻蛋）

哇~~ 那个感觉回来了！！

到底多久了？
都差点忘了喜欢上一个人的感觉是怎样的~~
妈呀~~

这次真的好喜欢好喜欢那个人哦~~
之前别人给我的感觉也不过是一点好感而已，不会真的那么去用心的~
可是这次，我可以喜欢他喜欢到我的前任！！
真的很神奇~~

当然了，喜欢人家嘛~只有自己知道咯~ 人家也跟我不熟，哪里会注意到我哦？
可是每每看到他的女性朋友tagged他在这里在哪里，就会羡慕跟一点吃醋~~

我观察过他了，好像目前没女朋友~~
可是好男人嘛，加上单身，一点很多女生追的~~ 我只能这里干担心，单相思 :(

好想接近他，可是又怕接近他 ><
好想真正的认识他跟他做朋友，可是我又怕~~
想要引起他的注意，我也不敢，也不懂怎么引起~

哎~~
难道只能暗恋哦？
都几岁了，还来暗恋。